You ain’t seen nothin’ yet!

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Yesterday, my friend Alice posted as her Facebook status, “Alice can’t take much more of 9 yr old daughter drama. Really over it. Walking away…” How did all her dear Facebook friends encourage her? Did they pump her up with reminders of what a great mom she is? Did they post Bible verses or famous quotes about the rewards of perseverance? Did they offer comfort based on similar experiences they’ve come through victoriously?

Most only warned her that the worst is yet to come, “hahaha just you wait until middle school drama and then high school drama.” Why would any friend think that sort of comment would be helpful? Do we have some sort of narcissistic need for our challenges to be worse than those of our friends? Are we playing a game of one-up in which the mom with the biggest problems wins?

When Lily was a tiny baby, I thought I was going insane. I had no idea what I was doing. I didn’t know how to make her stop crying. It took us two months to learn how to breastfeed. I wondered if I’d ever again get to sleep seven or eight or even just six hours straight. Well-meaning friends, friends who love me, friends who probably delivered a meal, would walk into my topsy-turvy house and say, “This stage will be gone before you know it. She’ll be 10 years old in a flash, and you’ll miss these sweet days with her as a baby.” Well, that’s true. Lily is 11 years old, and I’d give anything to hold that little 7-pound sweetheart in my arms again. However, that information did nothing but discourage me 11 years ago. I was just wondering if I’d get a shower that day and if I could keep Lily alive until the next day. The truth of the comment did nothing to help me cherish those precious days. They didn’t feel precious at the time. They felt eternal. The comment only served to make me focus all the more on my glaring inadequacies.

I, too, am guilty of this offense. I wonder how many times a dear friend has shared her struggles or frustrations with me only to be “consoled” by my dueling story of woe. Why would I even think a disheartened friend would find comfort in a tale of my personal affliction? I am exceedingly deluded if I somehow believe my friend will suddenly think, “Wow. Poor Carolyn. I really don’t have anything to complain about compared to her troubles. My difficulties suddenly seem insignificant.” No, my comparable story only serves to fuel my ego at the high price of making my friend feel totally defeated. She needed an ally, but unknowingly woke a competitor.

Why do we feel the need to minimize a fellow mom’s current struggle with foreboding news of the greater misery yet to come? Why do we act like the trials of others are nothing compared with our own? They’re not nothing. Why can’t we encourage each other through places we’ve been and come alongside when our sisters face the stage we hate today? What in us make us say, “You don’t know anything” when what other moms are feeling right now is truly difficult. Who really gives a rat’s ass if 15 is worse than 9? If you’re facing 9 today, you certainly don’t need to worry about 15 today.

Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. ~ Matthew 6:34

The mundane of parenting and of our lives matters to the God of the universe. He cares about crying babies and disobedient children. He cares about clueless husbands, dramatic pre-teens, broken dryers, missing keys, and careless friends. He has included countless examples in Scripture of how He does, indeed, care about the minute details of our lives: The cries of baby Moses’ captured the attention of a princess, and consequently, he lived to save an entire nation; God blessed Sarah beyond her wildest dreams when Abraham moved her away from her family and friends; One mother prepared a little lunch for her little boy, as she probably had every day for as long as she could remember, and Jesus used that little, bitty lunch to feed more than 5,000 people. What we do not see anywhere in scripture is any patriarch, prophet, disciple, or Jesus belittling the pain of others. Whether our problems are as significant as Job’s or as seemingly trivial as Zacchaeus’ height, the Creator, the King of Kings who sits on the throne, Jehovah sees our troubles. He loves us. Our pain always matters to Him.

The next time a fellow mom expresses her frustration over something one of her children has done to exasperate her, resist the urge to one-up her. Tell your friend she’s an awesome mom. Pray for her. Encourage her.

Hey Alice, you rock! Emily is so blessed that you’re her mom. Tell her I think you’re so cool that I wrote a whole blog post about you. She won’t be dramatic forever. Well, she might, but we can pray for God’s grace to get you through it, one day at the time. The good news is that the weekend is here! I’ll pray you can relax and enjoy your sweet, fun family!

In the game of one-up, everybody loses, so don’t play.

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up.
~ 1 Thessalonians 5:11

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