Twu wuv

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 Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togevah tooday. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam… And wuv, twu wuv, will fowow you fowevah… So tweasure your wuv (from The Princess Bride, 1987).

We do, of course, remember the ill fate of this particular marriage. Princess Buttercup is an uncooperative participant, and Prince Humperdink has self-serving ulterior motives, all of which contribute to the immediate demise of this big-screen union.

However, in recent months I’ve grieved over the number of failing marriages among people I know, care about, and love. One of the most disturbing facts about some of these situations is that Christian couples appear to be pursuing temporal, easy solutions to spiritual problems. Research indicates that the divorce rate among Christians is, indeed, slightly lower than the national average, but not significantly, and the actual results and findings appear to depend on who’s doing the research.

Why are Christian marriages failing? What could Paul and I possibly be doing right that others seem to have missed? Paul and I certainly are not marriage rocket scientists. We are not, nor have we ever been, any sort of example to be followed in the area of successful marriage. We don’t read books about Christian marriage, nor do we attend marriage classes or conferences. Like the members of most marriages, we don’t always communicate clearly, kindly, or, sometimes, at all. We misjudge each other’s motives. We neglect spending one-on-one time strengthening our marriage. We’ve gone through seasons of being ordinary or perhaps even boring. We’ve struggled financially. We keep score.

Granted, most of our friends whose marriages are crumbling are doing so for much more serious reasons than the slights and benign insults experienced in the Koning household. In a few cases, affairs have been the major factor. In others, allegations of or substantiated abuse complicate already emotionally charged situations. I agree with a nationally well-known psychiatrist that adultery, addiction, and abuse are legitimate reasons to pursue divorce.

Can the God of the universe overcome these sins against another? Can the Creator really heal and restore? God will not circumvent the natural order of His creation, so there will always be consequences. However, the God who turned absolutely nothing into a beautiful, elaborate universe; the God who delivered Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego unsinged from the fiery furnace; the God who brought Lazarus to life three days after his death and burial; the God who conquered the power of sin and death at the cross and victoriously reigns on high today–that same God can and will bring new life and even great joy to a dead marriage. Even in situations involving the three A’s–adultery, addiction, and abuse–if both partners are sincerely working to overcome these evils, God will bring renewal to these couples. We know of marriages who faced serious challenges, persisted, and are flourishing.

One couple faced ongoing unfaithfulness. The husband confessed his sin and begged for his wife’s forgiveness. While it wasn’t easy and took months, maybe years, to sort through the carnage, this marriage is stronger today than ever. They even counsel other couples confronting infidelity.

While I realize some don’t recognize this as having a negative impact on marriage, pornography addiction is, in my opinion, a devastating force in marriages. Unfortunately, I know of many situations in which a husband has struggled with pornography or other sexual temptations. These men’s wives were willing to prayerfully work through the issues of mistrust and rejection. Once again, in nearly every case of which I’m aware, these marriages have emerged stronger than they had been previously. One woman told me recently, “I have the marriage I’ve always dreamed of.” A couple of years ago this same woman was crying her heart out over her husband’s obsession with pornography. Jesus Christ really can redeem circumstances we believe to be irreparable.

Perhaps most confusing to me are the Christian marriages ending because of boredom or because the euphoric feeling of love has waned. John 3:16 does not say, “For God so loved the world that he had lots of warm, fuzzy feelings.” “For God so loved the world that he gave!” Contrary to what our culture tells us, love is not a feeling; it is action. And God loves those who are hostile to Him, hate Him, curse His name, despise everything about Him. He loves them enough “that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” If God loves me that much, even when I was His enemy, certainly I can love my husband who’s pretty darn nice to me most of the time, even if our marriage is fraught with imperfection.

So what’s mine and Paul’s secret to blissful happily ever after? I’m not really sure; it’s a bit fuzzy, to tell you the truth. The first thing that comes to mind is loyalty. We promised to love, comfort, honor and keep each other, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy, to cherish and continually bestow upon one another our heart’s deepest devotion, forsaking all others, and keeping ourselves only unto the other as long as we both shall live. We knew what we were getting into. We signed up for this. If I’m bored or melancholy, it’s my responsibility to fix it by pursuing appropriate treatment or to work it out with Paul one way or another. In no way do I mean to minimize the effects of depression; in fact, I have been diagnosed with clinical depression in the past. No, depression is not a legitimate reason to walk out on Paul. The endorphins (or, as the case may be, lack thereof) in my brain are the problem, not Paul. Loyalty is one of the givens in our marriage. No matter what happens, we’re both in it to the end.

Secondly, I think we err when we blame our relationship troubles on our spouse. Certainly, with the help of God’s Holy Spirit, the two people in the marriage are the only ones who can address their specific struggles; however, the enemy of our souls is the one with whom we battle. We are deceived if we believe we will be happier or more content once we leave a seemingly unpleasant situation. Satan’s only purpose among those who have put their faith in Christ, because he has lost all claim to our immortal souls, is to make us miserable. He comes only to steal our joy, to kill all hope, and to destroy our peace (John 10:10a). He cloaks his schemes with false promises of contentment and fulfillment. If we chase after these empty claims, we will be left even more hopeless than we imagine we are within the marriage. He causes us to misinterpret our spouse’s voice tone. He goads us on as we are easily annoyed by habits that once charmed us. He tempts our eyes to glance towards greener pastures. All the while, he is chipping away at the very foundation of our marriages, completely annihilating our vows one self-centered irritation at a time. No, we must not allow Satan to win this battle. We must allow Jesus Christ to bring full, abundant life to our broken marriages (John 10:10b).

Finally, I think our friend “The Impressive Clergyman” is much wiser than he appears. Well, maybe not. He exhorts the strange pair before him to “tweasure your wuv.” Marriage is a gift from God. It was His idea, created for the purpose of blessing His children. Marriage is sacred. Catholics uphold marriage, along with baptism and the Holy Eucharist, as a sacrament. Marriage is, indeed, a precious gift to be treasured. If it doesn’t seem to be worth treasuring today, the almighty God of the universe can and will transform that which seems hopeless, desolate, empty, or dead. He is the God of the impossible. ~ cck

Jesus said, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” ~ John 16:33

Retrouvaille (pronounced re-tro-vi with a long i) is a French word meaning “rediscovery” and is a marriage program offered in communities across the U.S. and abroad. The initial weekend experience and subsequent series of 6-12 post-weekend sessions offer tools needed to rediscover a loving, vital marriage relationship.

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